How to leave the house in 21 easy* steps
Remember how you used to leave the house before you had children? You opened the door and left. So easy! That no doubt seems like a distant memory, but we are here to help. Follow our foolproof guide to leaving your house in 21 easy steps!
1. Round up children (in manner of herding cats).
2. Take toilet brush off toddler and explain that it is not for brushing brother’s hair. Ignored.
3. Open door, herd children into porch.
4. Realise you have forgotten lunch box, re-enter house with strict instructions for all children to remain in porch.
5. Return with said lunch box to find children back in hallway. Toddler has been de-shoed by 4 year old brother. (Mental note: research suitability of sheepdogs for child herding.)
6. Re-shoe toddler.
7. Into porch, double lock, out to driveway.
8. Remove stones and potentially fatal foreign objects instantly picked up by little hands.
9. Both children wrestled into car seats; snacks instantly requested.
10. Crackers evenly distributed: three each.
11. Toddler breaks each cracker in two, now has double number of crackers to 4 year old brother.
12. World has ended.
13. Try to reason with 4 year old. Fail.
14. Re-enter house for more crackers and then distribute to children with brief lesson in infinite divisibility. Ignored.
15. Start car.
16. Realise that toddler has unleashed hell in nappy.
17. Turn off car.
18. Re-enter house and change toddler nappy, baby gro and trousers.
19. Back into car and start engine.
20. Play Disney CD at ear-splittingly loud volume demanded by 4 year old whilst toddler sings ‘Happy birthday ’ in manner of deranged goat.
21. Off you go!
#familygoals
*Do not try this at home unless you are comprehensively trained in snack negotiation, toddler disarmament and seat belt wrestling.
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